Harnessing Friction
Foe, Friendly or Systemic?
Let's talk about the stuff that grinds on us at home. You know, that one drawer that won't close because it's stuffed to the brim, or the kitchen table that's become a makeshift storage unit. Everyone's got their own ideas when it comes to what's "clean enough" or "too planned" versus "just winging it." That's okay.
What if you peek upstream to see what effect your systems have downstream? A tiny tweak or two could make the day-to-day less... hectic. Even a couple of minutes reflecting on how things run can smooth out the wrinkles (Kondo, 2014). This isn't about flipping your routine on its head; it's just about those minor adjustments. For the next few weeks, we will look at our systems and then see how those systems can intersect with habit formation.
We all have ways of handling our lives, some that support us and others that unwittingly sabotage our best efforts. For example, Rebecca, a mother of two, was tired of feeling frazzled in the mornings, so she spent ten minutes each evening laying out the plan for the following day. That simple action set her day up for success and saved her heaps of stress.
Or…If your child never remembers to practice the guitar, don't hide it in the back of a closet. Instead, park it center stage in the living room with some sheet music. Make it so your child can't help but pick it up and play.
Some of us aren't bothered much by clutter, and others need a tidy space to think and create. Our kids are no different. Many kids have significant difficulty learning within a chaotic space. Take my daughter, for instance. Tidy is not a personal goal. Her room's usually a hot mess, and I've been on both ends of the spectrum, from playing the strict "tidy up" tune to just shrugging it off and closing the door.
But then, one day, I teamed up with her for a clean-up session. And guess what? The mountain of mess wasn't so scary with some company. We got it done, and she was like a whole new person. She sat on her bed and took a deep breath. She told me she could finally breathe and think straight now that it was clean. She might not love cleaning, but the after-effects? They're a breath of fresh air for her brain.
So maybe your kid is like mine, or perhaps they're the polar opposite—thriving in what looks like chaos to us. Either way, it's all about testing the waters. Shift their environment a bit and see what works.
Foe, Friendly and Systemic
Have you ever heard of the saying, "Willpower doesn't work; set up environments that work instead"? (Clear, 2018). We can create a life where we're naturally nudged towards the good stuff, even on our laziest days. If we are clever architects of our lives, the environment will do the heavy lifting for our goals.
So here's the deal: our aim is for our kids to make the 'best thing' for them the easy thing. Think of sliding a rock across an icy path rather than heaving it over a trail of bumpy stones. The less friction, the less you're pitting your tired self against the world.
Friction is that friend who can hype you up to smash your goals or that foe, a couch potato buddy holding you back from your 5K run glory.
Foe Friction
For instance, I eliminate foe friction by slipping into my gym gear first thing in the morning. It's my non-verbal cue that I'm going to go sweat. It's just easier, right? No stumbling around looking for my workout clothes when I'm dressed and ready to roll. Say you want to get into reading. How about keeping a book by your bed, with a bookmark marking your spot? Or creating a no-brainer setup for schoolwork with a clean desk, a laptop ready, and all those school supplies at arm's reach. And for sports, have kid gear set to go. You're more likely to grab that water bottle if it's right there on the desk or by the bed.
Friendly Friction
The reverse is also true with friendly friction. Sometimes, you gotta put a little bit of healthy obstacle course in your way to dodge those habits you're trying to eliminate. Take it from folks who play hide and seek with their savings account to save money—out of sight, out of mind, and definitely out of hand. Set a super complex password for the websites you don't want your kids on too often. Toss the junk food from the pantry. Hide the TV remote or make 'em log in every time for social media. Yeah, we're that lazy by default, and a lot of the time, we won't bother.
My neurodivergent middle child didn't learn to tie his shoes until he was ten. He just wasn't there developmentally, so I would bend over all day to tie his shoes until I decided to give it some extra time, and I got him slip-ons…voila…no more morning tangle of laces. There was less frustration for him and less stress for me, and when he was ready, he was ready.
Systemic Friction
One other type of very sneaky friction operates behind the scenes. We call it systemic friction, and usually, we don't even realize it's there, stealing our seconds, minutes, and hours away while we're just trying to live our lives. The small stuff gnaws at you – hunting for keys, untangling headphones (and laces), dealing with customer service calls. These things seem minor, but they're the pebbles in your shoe that ruin your morning nature walk. Have headphones that don't tangle, findable keys, and passwords remembered.
My eldest child tended to misplace his phone and wallet as a teenager. Every birthday, his grandparents would give him a new locater tag to slip inside his wallet and attach to his keys, which was slightly embarrassing to him, but you know what? No more lost phone and wallet, and it was simple for him to find them without wasting time looking all over the house. Now, if you're thinking an even better strategy would have been to put the wallet and phone in a designated spot, you're right… small steps, my friend…small steps.
In the spirit of making things smoother, how about keeping a charger in every room? A packed school bag? Bookmarking that online course?
We need to keep our eyes peeled for all three types of friction (Foe Friction…the kind you don't want, Friendly Friction…the kind you want, and Systemic Friction…the sabotager in the background) and either give them a job that helps us out or eliminate them entirely. By doing so, we're setting ourselves up to be the boss of our time and energy.
When my eldest was in elementary school, all of us parents agreed on technology usage. Now, I know what you're thinking, "A bunch of parents agreeing on something?" Yeah, it doesn't happen often, but we got together and came to a consensus on standard rules around things like screen time and at what age our kids would get phones. We even shared ideas on sleepover protocol and the going rate for a tooth under the pillow.
One afternoon, my eldest gets home grumbling about how everyone else's parents have become nocturnal creatures, letting their kids stay up way past our official lights out. I listened and then sent an email to the parent squad, and the truth came out in minutes. Every kid had a bedtime in the same ballpark as ours.
Group consensus zapped all the "But why not me?!" energy right out—no more tug-of-war about who gets what and who's living in a child's paradise. I didn't have this luck of the draw with my other kids, and boy, could I tell the difference.
Here's the takeaway: Kid nagging is a persistent form of systemic friction. Decision-making can be like a leaky faucet of your energy if you're always in the ring negotiating the day-to-day. Let's talk about ways to tighten the faucet of systemic friction, so we work smarter, not harder (Flow Research Collective, 2020)
The One-Rule Wonder: Make a call on something—your final verdict—and stick to it across the board. Bedtimes, gadget time, what's in vogue at school, you name it. When your kids know the deal, they'll stop buzzing around with "But why?" every five minutes.
One of my families responded to the incessant plea for more Pokémon cards with, "Want more Pokémon cards? Cool, pony up your own dough." And just like that, the daily card chase was over.
Skill Swap Central: If you feel out of your comfort zone meeting your child's interests, hire out or swap skills with others in your community. Stay in your strengths to save energy.
Like Jefferson, age 12, whose Mom hooked him up with a local STEM class that went deep into science once a week. There's power in pooling resources—some families go all in on group meet-ups, taking turns leading field trips and learning adventures.
The Essentialist's Filter: Less is more. Streamline your family's itinerary to the stuff that truly matters to you. If it's not a "Heck, yeah!" it's a "Heck, no!"
Like Frederick, who felt more like a chauffeur than a dad, he put the brakes on, trimming his kid's social whirlwind to three outings a week. Sanity restored. Your number might be less or more, but make sure you're not a reluctant participant.
The Value Vortex: Dive deep into the good stuff. Learning? Be all in. Fun? Ditto. Does an activity bring on stress, inconvenience, and hassle? Stop living in the gray. Eliminate, Eliminate, Eliminate!
Bold Action
Using Friction to an Advantage
Challenge Accepted: Have your kid use a bit of resistance to their advantage. Maybe they're hitting a wall with math homework—instead of shying away, they dive in with a "bring it on" attitude. Encourage them to list three ways to tackle tough subjects head-on, like setting a timer to beat their previous problem-solving time or challenging a friend to a 'math-off.'
Gritty Growth: Use friction as a growth spurt for grit. When something's not coming easy, that's their cue to dig their heels in. Get them to jot down three situations where they kept at it, even when it was tempting to throw in the towel. It's about celebrating the struggle and the strength they gain from it.
Creative Sparks: Friction can be the strike of a match that lights up creativity. There could be a group project that's causing some clashes. This is the perfect opportunity for your child to brainstorm ways to use that tension to devise out-of-the-box solutions or innovative compromises.
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