The Voices in our Head
The benefits and cost; Part two of three
BOLD Idea: Influencing self-talk starts with understanding it.
Why It Matters: Self-talk plays a significant role in well-being.
Please Comment: Where do you think your child lands on the positive/negative self-talk continuum?
The Nuances of Positive Self-Talk
Positive self-talk is expansive and can be a tremendously helpful tool in our daily lives, acting as an internal mentor that guides and supports us toward our goals. Let's explore the roles positive self-talk plays:
Motivation:
Positive self-talk encourages us. For instance, telling yourself, "If I take a little step each day, I can make a big change," can keep you motivated to continue working towards your goals, big or small.
Reflection:
It also helps us to reflect on our achievements and see how they align with our goals. This could be as simple as acknowledging, "I've been really consistent with my morning routine, which is helping me be more patient with the kids."
Future Planning:
Positive self-talk aids in planning for the future by suggesting actionable steps toward our goals. For example, thinking, "Attending a parenting workshop can help me communicate better with my teenager," prompts you to take practical steps.
While positive self-talk can be beneficial, not everyone experiences these benefits equally. Research indicates that people with higher self-esteem might feel more uplifted by positive self-talk than those with lower self-esteem. Overly optimistic affirmations can sometimes feel unrealistic to those struggling, making them feel even more discouraged.
Adjusting Your Self-Talk
Here's how we can adjust our self-talk to make it more effective and realistic:
Be Specific and Believable:
Instead of vague encouragements like "You can do it!" try specific affirmations related to the task, such as "If I work on this project for an hour each day, I'll finish it in two weeks."
Realistic Progress Assessment:
Rather than general praises like "Great job so far!" consider more measurable statements, such as "I've completed three out of the five sections of this project; I need to focus on the remaining two this week."
Concrete Planning:
Avoid overly broad plans like "I'll get better at this somehow," instead, think about actionable steps, such as "I'll set aside time each weekend to practice this skill."
When guiding our kids in developing their self-talk, we can help them create specific, achievable, and tailored affirmations to their experiences. This practice can help build self-esteem and encourage a positive, reality-based mindset.
For instance, if your child is nervous about a school presentation, encouraging them to think, "I know I'm prepared because I practiced my presentation three times," can be more comforting than simply saying, "Don't worry, you'll do great."
Positive Self-Talk and Identity Construction
Your internal dialogue can act like a personal narrator that helps shape your understanding of yourself. This "internal mentor" simplifies and highlights aspects of your past to create a cohesive story of your identity, which is instrumental in defining your goals and values.
Example: Imagine you are trying to become less of a perfectionist while working on a musical project. Each time you lean too much into perfecting a song, your positive self-talk might remind you:
Past Comparison: "Remember, focusing too much on perfection previously kept you from finishing your songs."
Future Visualization: "Next time, aim for 'good enough.' Completing the songs is more important than perfecting them."
This kind of self-talk helps align your past experiences with your current goals, reinforcing who you are becoming and supporting your growth and resilience.
The Detrimental Effects of Negative Self-Talk
Conversely, negative self-talk is constrictive and can have a significant adverse effect on your well-being. It can transform from an internal guide to an internal cynic, overwhelming and discouraging you.
Example: While working on the same musical project, if your self-talk is negative, it might say:
Self-Chastisement: "This song is impossible to play right. I'm just not good enough."
Fixation on Past Failures: "Forgetting the lyrics that night just shows I'm not cut out to be a musician."
Excessive Worry: "I'll probably never finish this album."
This type of self-talk doesn't just discourage you; it actively harms your sense of self and can spiral into increasingly negative feelings.
Negative self-talk initiates a harmful physiological cycle:
Stress and Anxiety: It starts with the self-talk stressing you out or exacerbating existing stress.
Threat Response Activation: Your brain perceives this stress as a threat, triggering a biological response designed to prepare you for "fight or flight," which can include symptoms like increased heart rate and higher blood pressure.
Increased Negativity: This physiological change feeds back into your self-talk, making it even more damaging and cynical.
We also see a:
Loss of Skills:
Negative self-talk can distract your brain from efficiently performing its executive functions, like shifting attention or holding information, which might make you temporarily lose access to automatic skills like driving or playing an instrument. Conversely, positive self-talk can enhance your attention and skill execution.
Social Isolation:
Negative self-talk can lead to behaviors that push others away, whether through overt aggression or constant negativity, which frustrates and repels those around you. This isolation can exacerbate the negativity in your self-talk, creating a vicious cycle.
Mental Health Decline:
Chronic negative self-talk is strongly linked to conditions like anxiety and depression. It feeds into a negative view of oneself, reducing resilience and exacerbating mental health issues.
Physical Health Problems:
Long-term negative self-talk can trigger prolonged stress responses in your body, like increased heart rate and higher blood pressure, leading to serious health issues such as heart problems and insomnia.
Impaired Mental Performance:
When your mind is overwhelmed with negative thoughts, it has less capacity to engage in complex thinking and problem-solving, which can impair your child's performance at school or in personal projects.
Understanding the Need to Quiet Your Internal Cynic
While we can't eliminate negative self-talk, as it's a natural part of our psychological makeup, we can manage it effectively. Quieting this internal cynic doesn't mean ignoring or suppressing your feelings but rather transforming how you engage with those thoughts so they don't overwhelm you.
Next week, we’ll learn a handful of effective strategies for quieting negative self-talk.
A complete list of references is available on the homepage.