A Crisis of Meaning
Quietly Quitting School
BOLD Idea: Engagement comes from aligning how your child spends their time with what matters to them.
Why it Matters: When we tap into what our kids value and let that guide their learning experiences, we fuel their motivation and help them figure out who they are and what’s important to them. We’re giving them the building blocks to build their identity.
If today was your last, how would you spend it?
I'm fascinated by countries like Bhutan, renowned for their high happiness ratings, partly due to their regular contemplation of mortality. Bhutan prioritizes Gross National Happiness (GNH) over Gross Domestic Product (GDP), believing that thinking about death encourages us to live in the present and appreciate life's impermanence.1 In contrast, in the US, we often live in fear and anxiety about death, when we even consider it at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no more comfortable thinking about death than anyone else, especially after having lived through the trauma of suddenly losing a spouse. But I’m committed to doing anything that catapults me into the present moment, as that's where life feels rich with experience and is the only place to find feel-good flow.
I like to talk about the normal players of presence…breath, mindfulness and focus, but the NOW’s a lot more satisfying when we’re driven by meaning and purpose. The idea of using our WHY as a guiding light might be simple, but it’s not easy for busy parents.
I imagine myself out for an afternoon sail, cool breeze tousling my hair, warm sun on my back, until BAM…I notice a hole in my boat. Determined not to sink, I start bailing water, forgetting my prior destination. If I’m busy bailing water, I don’t have the time or energy to navigate. When in that frenzy, I can’t get where I was going, my purpose evaporates. Many of us are so busy that we don’t have time to be present or to even focus on whatever we call work.
Most of my time raising kids, I had hurry sickness2, too busy to contemplate anything but the next Uber-mom drop off or the upcoming Mom, I’m hungry to prepare. Reflection felt like a luxury. But is it? Maybe slowing down to reflect is a lifeline that helps us hold onto meaning in our lives.
As Mary Oliver asked in her often-quoted poem "The Summer Day": "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
According to Gallup's 2023 "State of the Global Workplace" report, 59% of employees worldwide are "quiet quitting," meaning they are disengaged from their work and only putting in the minimum effort required. As you can imagine people not wanting to be where they are, crashes productivity and morale.3 The same report also highlights that 18% of employees are "loud quitting," actively disengaging in ways that can harm their organizations.4 The findings go on:
40% of workers in six countries are unhappy at work and considering leaving their jobs in the near future.5
68% of workers who had recently quit their jobs did so without having another job lined up, indicating a high level of dissatisfaction with their previous roles.6
two-thirds of full-time workers experience burnout at some point while at work, further underscoring the widespread feelings of, this sucks.7
I would posit that this dissatisfaction begins long before entering the workforce. Disengagement in schools often tracks above 60%.8 Schools are training grounds for the qualities we see emerging in later work life. Students quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) protest throughout the day because they are not interested. They quietly quit because the promised rewards aren’t worth it. The fact that most in education see this as normal behavior should tell us something.
Our schools are in a crisis of meaning. For many students, there’s no drive to invest their life energy in school, but rather it’s saved for life outside of school. The child’s agenda is play, regardless of age and perhaps secretly that’s our adult agenda, too. Let’s talk about three types of play:
1. Illicit Play: Activities considered inappropriate or against the rules, characterized by thrill or rebellion. This play can test boundaries, challenge authority, and explore the forbidden.
2. Recreational Play: Activities done for enjoyment and relaxation, essential for stress relief, physical health, and social interaction. This is what kids save their energy for outside school.
3. Intrinsic Play: Driven by internal motivation and natural curiosity, such as imaginative and creative activities. This type of play is important for cognitive development, creativity, and emotional well-being.
We see a lack of intrinsic play when kids do not value or feel valued in their learning because of a lack of meaningful connection to that learning. Meaningfulness is the playmate of motivation. Motivation comes from within us, as meaning blossoms—a question, a curiosity, a slow simmer of mystery that prods us forward to find answers, build expertise, and achieve mastery. These interests might be highly personal or shared by others, but they are not force-fed in small chunks of meaninglessness.
Where have you seen your kids (or yourself) quietly quit because they just don’t care?
Are we taking more than we’re giving in our child’s education? Is self-expression or individuality a luxury? School should not define your child’s identity or personal value. The critical question is: does your child feel empowered to own their learning, inspired to seek meaning, explore passions, and build a future that resonates with their values? How will you ensure your child emerges confident, motivated, and ready to engage with the world meaningfully and passionately?
Values are like a kid’s personal compass, guiding them towards what feels right and meaningful. When what kids learn and what they do aligns with their values, they're naturally more interested, engaged, and intrinsically motivated. If your child loves animals and values compassion, they’re more excited about a project on endangered species than the history of the stapler. That excitement is intrinsic motivation in action.
When we tap into what our kids value and let that guide their learning experiences, we fuel their motivation and help them figure out who they are and what matters to them. We’re giving them the building blocks to build their identity.
How excited are your kids to dive into school in the morning? Or you into your work? Are your kids enjoying what they are doing for its own sake, rather than for external rewards? This doesn’t mean everything is fun, but rather how we spend our time holds meaning and aligns with what matters to us.
Values are our roadmap for action. For values to be meaningful, we must act on them. Connecting to core values helps us know where to put our energy.
The guiding question on mortality might just be:
Did I live according to what I most valued?
Is the life I am living worth the sacrifices I make to have it?
Brain Byte: A value is like a guiding star, something that holds immense importance and shapes the way we interact with the world. For kids, a value could be something like fairness or honesty. If a child values fairness, they might feel strongly about everyone being treated equally, whether on the playground or in a group project at school. They might learn to understand the difference between equality and equity as they apply fairness in the real world. Recognizing and nurturing a child's values contributes to identity and moral development.
*For a deeper dive into clarifying values, check out the attached PDF action guide.
Hurry Sickness: chronically short of time, performing every task quickly and becoming flustered when faced with any delay.
I coach burnout... well how to get out of burnout. What you wrote here is spot on, especially around the what's your why. That is a question I ask my clients because for most of them, they are focused on something like losing weight, etc. It's a symptom of a larger problem and just focusing on the symptom doesn't lead to sustained change. What is impactful about this post to me is leading by example around how if we're have a healthy and balanced attitude to our work, how that can impact how kids look at school.