Chatter
Understanding self-talk in kids, Part one of three
BOLD Idea: Talk to your kids about their self-talk.
Why It Matters: Interrupting the negative recordings played in our children’s heads directly influences well-being throughout life.
Please Comment: What messages does your child tell themselves?
I asked a group of mixed-age elementary students about the voice in their heads. They knew right away what I was talking about. I asked them what it said to them when they ran into something they were trying to learn that was hard. Immediately, one boy popped up, "Run away. Hide!"
Then another girl said, "Mine is different. It tells me that I can do it. It reminds me that I've done things like that before and can do them again. It says, Don't slack off; you can do it, so get to work."
The quiet and not-so-quiet voices in our heads significantly shape our mental health and overall performance. Even though these voices aren't usually said aloud, they profoundly impact our children’s daily lives. They can act as either a gentle cheerleader or a harsh critic. Yet, many of us still need to make it a norm to discuss these internal voices with our children. By openly talking about and adjusting how this inner voice communicates, we can give kids tools to manage those voices throughout their lives.
What is Self-Talk?
Self-talk isn't just any old thought that pops into your head. Those specific thoughts form silent words you "hear" inside your mind. Think of it as an inner voice that comments, plans, and sometimes critiques our actions and interactions. Here are a few everyday examples to help illustrate self-talk:
After an Uncomfortable Moment: Imagine you've just said something awkward on a date. That little voice inside might start chiding you, saying, "Now they probably think I'm a loser." This is your self-talk reacting to the situation.
Before a Parent-Teacher Meeting, You might find yourself rehearsing what you will say or how to address a concern about your child's progress.
Remembering Names: After meeting other parents at a school event, you might repeat their names to ensure you place them next time.
Self-Talk as Imagined Dialogues
Now, let's stretch our understanding a bit further. While self-talk often appears as a monologue, it can also form imagined dialogues. This means you might not only talk to yourself but also create conversations in your mind involving other people.
For example:
Post Awkward Moment at a Social Event: Instead of merely criticizing yourself, you might imagine how the other person is telling their friend about the awkward introduction, which can influence how you feel about yourself.
Preparing for a Discussion: Before you discuss your child's progress with their teacher, you might play out the teacher's possible responses to your questions in your mind.
Understanding these dynamics helps us recognize when we're being too hard on ourselves or when we're preparing effectively for meaningful conversations.
Why Do We Engage in Self-Talk?
Self-talk is an intrinsic part of being human, but why do we do it? One theory suggests that self-talk has evolutionary roots. It might have helped our ancestors survive by enabling them to think through complex scenarios and make better decisions when faced with challenges.
However, not all traits that have persisted through time are necessarily due to their direct survival advantages. Some traits may have developed as neutral byproducts of other evolutionary changes. For instance, the ability to engage in self-talk could have evolved not directly for survival but as a byproduct of our brain's development related to language and communication, which were crucial for cooperation among early humans.
Brain Byte: Self-talk happens rapidly and concurrently with other tasks.1 Understanding this can help us guide our children in managing their internal dialogues. For instance, teaching kids to use positive self-talk while they engage in sports or perform at a recital can enhance their performance and reduce anxiety.
Varieties and Absence of Self-Talk
Everyone engages in self-talk, but the experience can vary significantly.2
Social and Cultural Influences on Self-Talk
Our self-talk is not only a product of our minds but is also significantly influenced by our social environment and cultural background. The voices of parents, teachers, and other significant adults play a crucial role in shaping how we talk to ourselves.
Parental Influence: For instance, if you grew up in a culture that values emotional restraint, you might find that your self-talk often includes reminders to keep your emotions in check in public, reflecting the teachings and reminders from your parents.
Educational Influence: Teachers also profoundly impact self-talk. Studies show that children often engage in motivational self-talk that mimics the encouragement they receive from their teachers (Frey & Fisher, 2010). This highlights the importance of positive reinforcement in educational settings.
Transforming Self-Talk for Kids
Understanding these aspects of self-talk can help us better support our children. By being mindful of how we speak to and around them, we can influence their internal dialogues to be more positive and empowering. Encouraging children to develop a supportive inner voice can boost their confidence, resilience, and emotional health. In next week’s post, we’ll better understand positive and negative self-talk and learn specific ways to redirect our children’s voices toward the positive.
A complete list of references is available on the homepage.
Multitasking with Self-Talk
Our brains have a feature known as the phonological loop, part of our working memory that allows us to self-talk while doing other tasks. This loop helps us temporarily store verbal information and process words internally. You can mentally rehearse your grocery list while driving or review key points before a parent-teacher meeting without missing a beat.
Speed of Self-Talk
Self-talk is incredibly fast. Research shows our internal dialogue can go as fast as four thousand words per minute. That's like reading an entire short story in just a few minutes! This speed allows us to assess situations quickly, consider various outcomes, and immediately decide on actions.
Condensed Language
Our self-talk often uses simplified sentence structures and vocabulary, processing our thoughts quickly and efficiently without vocalization.
Physical Constraints of Speaking
Verbal expression is naturally slower than internal thought because speaking requires the physical act of forming words and sounds, which takes more time than silently processing them in our minds.
Visual and Auditory Forms: For example, deaf signers might experience self-talk visually, such as imagining signs from American Sign Language or picturing words, or they might "hear" it like hearing individuals do.
Differences in Mental Visualization: Interestingly, only some have a vivid internal dialogue. People with a condition called aphantasia, for instance, do not experience mental images or an "inner voice," yet they navigate life and professional environments successfully. This suggests that while self-talk is common, its absence doesn't necessarily impede personal success.