What Plants Teach Us About Community
Creating Kid Connections
BOLD Idea: Close relationships and social connections significantly influence children's happiness, health, and development.
Why It Matters: Parents can help create kid relationships that offer depth, frequency, and interconnectedness.
A pea seedling can hear water flowing and grow towards it. A week ago, I wouldn’t have considered that plants have that kind of agency within their environment. That was before reading Light Eaters by Zoe Schlanger.1 Take the rye plant, once considered a weed by early wheat farmers. To survive, the rye plant began to take on a visual form like the wheat, so the farmers couldn’t easily spot the rye-baby intruders and yank them out by the roots. Over time, only the best mimickers survived, and rye became a crop in its own right. A similar mirroring was true for oats. These plants took action to not only stay alive but prosper. If something works well, as Schlanger says, biology reproduces it across the spectrum of life.
Thriving isn’t about isolation but connection to what surrounds us. Kids and plants have a lot in common.
The Intelligence of Context
Intelligence, or the ability to learn and make good decisions, is shaped by our environment. Complex social interactions create collective intelligence, helping groups make better choices together.
During such connection, our brain waves match each other's, whether you’re a pilot/copilot duo landing a plane, a couple in a romantic relationship, or a Navy seal team on a mission. Animals and, yes, plants, too, also evolved in groups and display synchronization. In meadows, forests, and your backyard, plants cooperate and compete with one another for resources, just like we do. Some plants are collaborative, and others are more individualistic. Some share well, others don’t; some are conflict-averse, and others prioritize their families.2 Caring for those close to us has an evolutionary advantage for plants and people.
Becoming Connected
Our daily human evolution, or 'becoming,' occurs in the context of everything and everyone around us. As Margulis and Sagan put it, “The completely self-contained individual is a myth that needs to be replaced with a more flexible description. Each of us is a sort of loose committee.”3 Our environment deeply influences who we and our children become.
Change the environment, change the kid. How are you feeling about your child’s committee?
Just as plants have vast underground fungal networks from which to communicate and pass nutrients,4 we can think of our relationships like a web—the more strands you have and the stronger they are, the better you're going to feel, emotionally speaking.5 It's like having a safety net made out of good energy. These connections are critical for our well-being. For instance, a Harvard study, one of the longest of its kind, has shown that close relationships are what keep people happy throughout their lives, more than money or fame, including better health and a longer life.6
Kids Thrive with Relational Depth, Frequency & Interconnectedness
Relational depth provides deep connection, allowing us to feel understood and valued—like we’re part of something bigger. We are seen and heard. Our kids need these heart-to-heart talks that last for hours, not just the "Hey, how was practice?"
Kids also need frequency. Staying connected doesn't mean your child needs a daily deep dive with a bestie, but regularly touching base—whether it's a lunch together, a quick call, or an afternoon playdate—keeps the relationship strong and the emotional support flowing.
Finally, interconnectedness. When your child’s friends are friends with each other, it creates a community, and that sense of belonging can be powerful. It's like being a part of a tribe where everyone has each other's backs.
Brain Byte: Research has found that these connections can be a lifeline, reducing mortality risk and cranking up our lifespan.7
Think about your child’s social network. Might relational depth, frequency, or interconnectedness need more attention?
Bold Actions: Become a positive community member for your kids
Kindness Over Criticism—The Power Ratio: Like in marriage, the ratio of kind words to critical words significantly impacts parent/child relationships. Research suggests aiming for a high ratio of positive to negative interactions, such as five positive remarks for every negative one. It's not about avoiding constructive criticism but ensuring that positive affirmations and expressions of love and appreciation vastly outnumber criticisms.8
I know this isn’t easy for those with challenging kids. I failed miserably at this when my middle boy was young. I consciously wanted to create positive interactions, but most leaned toward the negative. It was difficult for me to find anything positive for years. For some kids, it’s a tough go. I feel you—deep breath. Give yourself and your child grace to navigate your relationship as best as possible. As kids get older, it often gets much, much more manageable.
Annual Appreciation:—Crafting a Strengths Letter: Celebrate your child's growing strengths with an annual strengths letter. I do this for my daughter’s birthday. I discuss her unique attributes and how I see her positively show up in the world. By highlighting achievements and personal growth each year, you can provide your child with a tangible reminder of your love and belief in their potential.
Curious Over Furious: Transform frustration into a learning moment by getting curious. Instead of reacting angrily when misunderstandings or challenges arise, pause and approach the situation with a sense of inquiry. Asking questions not only diffuses tension but also opens up a pathway to understanding your child's perspective, fostering a deeper connection and teaching problem-solving skills.
Be the Puppy: Just like a puppy's unconditional joy when they see us walk through the door, show genuine excitement and appreciation for your child, unrelated to their achievements or behavior. We want our kids to feel valued simply for being themselves, not for what they do.
Schlanger, Z. (2024). The Light Eaters: How the Unseen World of Plant Intelligence Offers a New Understanding of Life on Earth. HarperAudio.
Plants can change their height, structure, and rotation towards the sun based on their kinship with neighbors above ground. Meanwhile, they alter their root structures below the earth, as dictated by crowding (growing more roots) or the needs of their sibling plants (growing fewer roots to leave space for family members). When an insect attack is on its way, plants tend to warn their kin (through chemical or microbial transmission) before notifying other plants in the area at large.
Schlanger, Z. (2024). The Light Eaters: How the Unseen World of Plant Intelligence Offers a New Understanding of Life on Earth. HarperAudio.
Vaillant, G. E. (2012). Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study. Belknap Press: An Imprint of Harvard University Press.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. doi:10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (2nd ed.). Harmony.
Great insight, Laura. I love the 'strengths letter.' Terrific idea!