Milestones or Meltdowns
Balancing challenge & skill for kids
BOLD Idea: When kids struggle mentally, physically, or emotionally, ensure the challenge isn’t too high (anxiety) or too low (boredom).
Why it Matters: The primary flow trigger is the challenge/skill (C/S) balance. Sleepy, distracted kids? Tears or anger? Look to the C/S balance to bring back happy vibes.
When I was in my 30s, I had a goal of doing a triathlon, which never happened for various reasons, but I still remember a great Ironman World Championship in 2007. The race was in Kona, Hawaii, and Chrissie Wellington was relatively unknown. For those less than uber-interested in this kind of elite athleticism, it’s grueling: a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike ride, and a 26.2-mile marathon run.
Chrissie trained herself up and, on race day, quieted her mind to a calm focus despite the high temperatures, intense humidity, and strong crosswinds. This was the beginning move to get into a flow state.
Chrissie had a strong foundation in competitive swimming, allowing her to stay within reach of the leaders without expending excessive energy. She didn’t finish first, but she finished ready to pace efficiently on the bike ride, gradually overtaking her competitors.
The marathon is often where Ironman races are decided; Chrissie rocked it. Despite the scorching heat and the physical toll of the previous segments, she maintained a steady, controlled pace. Her mental focus was unwavering, and she appeared to be in an effortless concentration— flow.
Chrissie Wellington crossed the finish line in 9 hours, 8 minutes, and 45 seconds, not only winning the women's race by a significant margin but also setting the fastest Ironman debut time in history.
The Ironman World Championship will kick anyone’s ass, but Chrissie’s skills were perfectly matched to meet the challenge. She was prepared. She was strategic, her mind calm and alert, allowing her to slip in and stay in the zone where the challenge was slightly above her skill level.
Our competence in any activity1 is directly related to the balance between the challenge and the skills we have to meet that challenge. When kids are pushing back and seem to be having a hard time in some way…mentally, physically, or emotionally…the challenge/skill balance is the first place I look.
Competence is that rock star feeling of, "Yeah, I got this!" Competence is your child’s ticket to managing the ups and downs of everyday life, flexing those skills honed over time, and growing a little more with each passing day. Kids want to do well. They want to learn things. They want to go after goals that matter to them. That’s motivation.2
Pause to think back to a moment when you worked hard on something. The moments we’re super proud of probably didn't fall into our lap. You worked your tail off for them, right? Those wins make you want to pat yourself on the back. They're when you must pull out all the stops and really show the world what you're made of.
Now, I’m not suggesting you take your kid for a climb up Mount Everest! Competence isn't about tackling the impossible. It's about finding that perfect sweet spot where the stuff you're learning feels right – not too easy, but not too hard.
Bold Actions
Mapping the Path: What do I already know how to do? What’s one small step beyond what I know how to do? Who or what can help me learn that next step?3
Back on Track: When something is unclear, and your child feels uncertain, it’s time to check in with them about what type of coaching is needed to get back on track. Does your child need support and encouragement? Some clarity or direction? Both?
Ask & Receive: Children can ask for feedback from the people around them rather than waiting for it to be given. We rarely ask others for feedback, let alone for a specific type of feedback. Help your child raise awareness about the different kinds of feedback4 and practice getting comfortable asking specifically for what’s most helpful.
For example, imagine you are a child in this scenario: You’ve been struggling with a math problem for a while and feel anxious and overwhelmed. You still think you can do it independently, so you don’t want any instruction, but you realize you could certainly use some support and encouragement. You might ask your mom for a hug and some encouraging words as she sits beside you while you work on the problem for five more minutes.
Striking the Optimal Challenge/Skill Balance
Understand and utilize flow triggers if you want your kids to learn well and love doing it. One of the most significant of these is the challenge/skill balance, finding tasks that are neither too easy nor too hard but offer the right difficulty level to engage and challenge a child without causing frustration or anxiety.
The 4% Challenge: A task should be about 4% more challenging than a child's current ability level. This figure isn't a strict rule but a guideline to indicate that the challenge should slightly stretch a child's capabilities. It's about pushing boundaries gently without overwhelming a kid.
Personalizing the Challenge: Every child has a unique comfort level with difficulty and anxiety. Finding the right balance for each child involves observing their responses and adjusting accordingly. Confusion is not a bad thing, though. Our brains dig in and engage when things aren’t crystal clear.5
Avoiding Burnout in Ambitious Learners: For children who tend to take on too much, scale back to more manageable challenges. Continuous high levels of challenge without adequate recovery can lead to burnout. Even high achievers benefit from tackling tasks just slightly above their current skill level rather than constantly pushing at maximum capacity.
Incorporating Recovery: Ensuring periods of relaxation and recovery is just as important as the learning or challenge itself. Balancing focused learning sessions with adequate breaks and downtime prevents burnout and maintains a healthy learning rhythm.
Managing Anxiety and Engagement: Kids may feel bored and lose focus if a task is too easy. On the other hand, too difficult a challenge can induce anxiety and disengagement. A slight nervousness before starting a challenging activity is normal and beneficial, but adjust the difficulty if it causes significant stress. Fear, however, can sharpen focus if your child is highly motivated to learn a particular topic and knows precisely what to do.
Learn to differentiate between a productive challenge and an overwhelming threat. The goal is to “go for” what we are pretty sure we can do, not what we believe we can’t do. However, on the other hand, I think our children spend way too much time “going for” things they already know they can do. Year after year, review is a common task within education, and kids typically find it boring. If kids take fear by the hand and reach for a challenge anyway, they might fail, and that’s okay. We are building the mental fortitude to know that falling short is an opportunity for growth. Our feedback kicks in at that point, and your child can figure out what to do differently next time.
What signals have you noticed that tell you that your child is overwhelmed or bored with an activity?
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Brain Byte: The concept of effectance motivation describes our innate desire to effectively engage and interact with our environment. When we strive to achieve goals that are meaningful to us, we are feeding this desire and, in turn, building our competence.
Brain Byte: Motivational interviewing (MI) is a conversational approach that encourages children to explore their motivations for change. It's instrumental in nurturing their ability to think critically and make decisions aligned with their values and interests. When applying MI with kids, focus on open-ended questions that stimulate thought and reflection rather than yes/no answers. Listen actively to their responses, affirm their feelings and thoughts to build confidence, and reflect on what you hear to ensure understanding. Encourage them to consider their choices' pros and cons, helping them weigh their options thoughtfully. This method fosters a supportive environment where children feel valued and understood, promoting open-mindedness and the willingness to reconsider their views.
Coaching, appreciation, and evaluation are three types of feedback that we’ll discuss in an upcoming post.
Kids don’t need us to spoon-feed explicit content, but we do need to strive for clear goals. Clear goals and chunked tasks can help achieve that incremental 4% growth. We’ll talk about both of these in upcoming posts.