Drifting to Driven
Why the WHY matters.
BOLD Idea: Our perspective drives how we feel about what we spend our time doing. Kids will be much more motivated if they understand the WHY.
Why it Matters: We want our kids to engage, not because they have to, but because they see the value in it for themselves. Learn how to frame well, and you will create meaning and buy-in.
Have you ever caught yourself mid-task, wondering why you’re even doing it? Or perhaps you’ve noticed your children dragging their feet, and you've asked, “Why aren’t you excited about your science project?” In the last post, we discussed a crisis of meaning in our schools and workplaces. This week, I want to give you the best tool I’ve found for creating meaning and buy-in for your kids: framing.
Making Meaning
One of my students, Lila, loved woodworking, where she could chat with friends and create something meaningful with her hands. But when the angles on the treasure box she was making didn’t line up, it was her light bulb moment. She realized she needed geometry to align her box, but hadn’t paid attention to her geometry teacher’s lecture on angles, wondering when she’d ever need it. This connection was the missing puzzle piece of her educational "why." Had she grasped this earlier, that math class might have been less of a snooze fest and more of an anticipation into exploring woodworking.
This story captures a key idea: We need to frame learning (and most everything else) in ways that resonate with our kids. If what we want our kids to spend time on seems irrelevant, we need to either reassess the value or, more likely, get better at framing the value.
That little word, WHY, puts a frame around what we do, fueling our every move.
Understanding Our "Why"
My daughter enjoys oil painting. When she was eleven, a dear friend of ours—an incredibly talented architect—asked her to paint the landscape of Gold’s Beach for a World War Two memorial he created in Normandy, France. She threw herself into the project, and what surprised me was how the painting truly popped when our friend professionally framed it back in London. That frame transformed an excellent painting into something captivating. Just like how a physical frame can transform the way we see a painting, the way we frame for our kids can vastly enhance perceived value.1
That's the thing about learning, too—it's all about how we package it. Wrap a lesson in the right words, set the stage with the right tools, and spark curiosity with the right stories, and you'll see a kid's eyes light up. That's the frame we’re talking about. The backdrop we create for our kids can inspire them to dive into learning or quietly close the bedroom door in our faces.
Motivation rumbles to life when we—or our children—understand the “why” behind our actions. Research by Simon Sinek shows that when organizations and individuals start with "why," they can inspire change and motivate action.2 If we can communicate the reasons behind our requests and rules, we cultivate motivation and purpose.
Why Do Kids Need to Know Their "Why"?
Kids are naturally curious. They want to understand the world around them, including their actions. Cognitive developmental research indicates that when children know the reasons behind their learning, they're more engaged and able to process information deeply.3
That means better retention, more creative thinking, and heightened problem-solving skills. They're not just memorizing facts for a test but building knowledge that connects to their interests and goals.
For example, when a child knows that practicing their instrument can lead to forming a band with friends (the "why"), those scales become a lot less tedious. Or consider schoolwork; if they understand that it builds skills to help them achieve their dream of becoming a vet, architect, or astronaut, suddenly those math problems aren’t so pointless. Even better, when kids understand that what they’re learning will help them effortlessly work the register at Saturday’s bake sale, the immediacy and relevancy create a motivating, engaging frame.
Brain Byte
Dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation, lights up when we have clear objectives and understand the purpose behind our actions.4 This neurological response is not just for adults; kids experience the same surge of feel-good chemicals when they grasp their "why."
Moreover, when we frame tasks within a larger goal, we tap into the self-determination theory.5 What I refer to as the three C’s of Choice, Connection, and Competence.6 Understanding the "why" helps satisfy choice and connection as it gives kids a sense of control over their learning journey, making them feel connected to a bigger picture.
Bold Action
So, what can you do to help your child discover their "why"? Start conversations that go beyond "because I said so." Discuss interests, dreams, and how current tasks are stepping stones to larger goals. You might encourage them to set personal goals and understand the paths to achieving them.
Embracing the "why" is like giving your child a compass in a world full of maps. It doesn't just tell them what routes they can take—it helps them figure out where they want to go and why they want to get there. Framing with why doesn’t just happen once. You might need to frame frequently to keep kid motivation high.
By anchoring our children’s learning and responsibilities in meaningful "whys," we give them the ultimate power: the ability to motivate themselves.
Try These Frame Starters:
I’m showing you this because it's a trick I always use, and super handy!
This will get you closer to your goal because knowing this... opens up doors.
I feel so much better knowing this because…
You might find this meaningful if you consider…
I use this information in my everyday life when I …
We're tackling this now, so later on, when you're in that woodworking class trying to fit the pieces of your project together, you'll be the one saying, 'I've got this!'
How might this be valuable to you? This is why I think it’s valuable…
Ultimately, we want our kids to engage, not because they have to, but because they see the value in it for themselves. By framing with relevance and a dash of excitement, we're not coercing with small chunks of meaninglessness but instead giving kids the lens to create their own meaning.
Instead of focusing on filling heads with knowledge, we're shaping how our kids view and engage with the world. Our perspective drives how we feel about what we spend our time doing.
Reflection Stop: Imagine it’s a hectic morning. Lunches need packing, emails are buzzing, and you've just asked your child—for the umpteenth time—to put on their shoes. Amidst the chaos, consider why you’re rushing, prioritizing specific tasks, or why your child should care about tying those laces.
Where might you frame to create kid buy-in?
Allen, R. (2001). Impact Teaching: Ideas and Strategies for Teachers to Maximize Student Learning. Pearson Education.
Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. Penguin.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
Wise, R. A., & Rompre, P. P. (1989). Brain dopamine and reward. Annual Review of Psychology, 40, 191-225.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
Another example of why framing might be an important lesson to learn as a kid to take into adulthood is to mitigate things like depression. Framing is a resource we can give ourselves to think bigger than our current abilities.
Love this!