The Three C’s of Getting Things Done
Building motivation through choice, connection, and competence
BOLD Idea: Encourage your kids to lean into Choice, Connection, and Competence as much as possible.
Why It Matters: The three C’s form the foundation of our motivational system. When there’s a breakdown, it’s often one of these three that has gone awry.
In the last series of posts, we’ve discussed the three C’s: Choice, Connection, and Competence. The three C’s interact together to create our foundation for motivation. Motivation plummets and problems arise when one or more of these foundational elements are missing.
We know some fantastic traditional schools are out there that hit the mark for some kids. But let's be honest: for many kids, the classic school experience goes something like this:
Imagine being in a place where bells run your day – they tell you when to move, when to eat, when to pee. Choice takes a hit.
And in class? It's all about the quiet, ears open, mouths mostly closed. Connection?
Not so much.
Ever felt like the teacher and textbook's got the last word on everything? Yeah, that can put a lid on competence and that creative spark. Then there's the whole 'do as you're told' vibe – choice and connection take another hit.
Teachers do their best but often aim for that middle ground, with few opportunities for individual feedback. And because of that? Competence comes slowly.
Oh, and the subject areas? They're like little islands – not much connection.
Playtime's all mapped out, too – where's the autonomy in being told how to play, where to play, and who to play with?
Then there are grades labeling kids based on those little boxes of abilities someone else decides are important.
And studying side by side, working it out with others? That’s a rarity.
Now, we're not here to put down traditional schooling. It’s got its wins. But we are about more choice, connection, and heaps more 'I got this!' moments.
Whether your kids are learning at school or digging into a hobby at home, we will keep returning to our trio of motivational must-haves: Choice, Connection, and Competence, as they're vital for top-notch learning. So, if things feel a bit rocky with your child, take a step back and assess these three C's in your child's world. It's the first place to look when things go awry.
The Fire Within
Richard was learning at home, and his mom reached out to me, struggling with Richard's lack of interest in, well, just about anything. So, I had her lay it all out for me - what was Richard's day like?
On paper, Richard's schedule was solid. He would work at home on a chapter of Language Arts, two online math lessons, followed by vendor classes, and hanging out with friends. All in all, pretty manageable, right? Not according to Richard.
When I sat down with Richard, he was clear about one thing - his mom's assignments were not his jam. The stories in the textbooks? Boring. He'd much rather be diving into his own books. And in his free time? He's busy turning his favorite book series into a graphic novel. Now that, he loved!
But here's the interesting thing: Richard referred to his schoolwork as his "mom's work." That's a telltale sign. The value belongs to the one who assigns the work. This idea applies across the board, whether kids are in a brick-and-mortar school or not.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't a free pass for Richard to ditch his responsibilities. But it does mean it was time for an honest conversation with Richard to understand the goals, values, and desires important to him and his mom.
The Whys Behind the Action
Think of extrinsic motivation, like bribing your friend with pizza to help you move. It comes from outside of us. So, that’s things like grades, rewards, or even avoiding getting in trouble. Sure, they can get us moving, but that movement is from some carrot dangling in front of us.
On the flip side, intrinsic motivation is when we do something because we want to. Imagine getting lost in a good book or working on a passion project. That fire comes from within you, and it’s way more powerful. It’s not about getting a reward or avoiding a punishment. It’s about the pure joy and satisfaction you get from doing the thing.
Extrinsic motivation can be helpful sometimes, but the magic happens when our desires and interests drive us. That’s when we feel most alive and engaged. So, the goal is to tap into that intrinsic motivation and let it fuel us. It’s like having our own personal cheer squad inside us, pushing us to do our best.
Think back to when you were a kid. Did you ever do something just because a grownup asked you to? Maybe you didn’t want to disappoint your teacher or parent or were after a good grade. Many of us can relate to this experience and often accept it as a normal part of growing up. But let's challenge that notion.
The Evolution of Motivation: Once upon a time, motivation was all about survival. Find food, find shelter, and don’t get eaten. Fast forward, and we thought rewards (carrots) and punishments (sticks) were the answer. Newsflash: that’s not always the best approach.
The Dark Side of Carrots and Sticks Here’s the deal: when we do things just for the reward, something gets lost in translation. We lose creativity and quality, and often, our productivity takes a hit. We're so focused on the finish line that we miss the beauty of the race. According to author Dan Pink, extrinsic motivation has seven deadly flaws.1
The Seven Deadly Flaws of Carrots and Sticks
Diminish performance.
Crush creativity.
Crowd out good behavior.
Encourage cheating, shortcuts, and unethical behavior.
Become addictive.
Foster short-term thinking.
Extinguish intrinsic motivation.
Praise, Grades, and the Not-So-Fun Stuff
Have you ever noticed how some kids shine in the classroom while others fade into the background? It’s like there are the winners and the, well, not-winners. Learning should be where every kid can shine in their own way, not just the usual suspects. The education system often relies on praise and grades to motivate students. But this can lead to a skewed learning experience where the focus is on pleasing adults and meeting external expectations rather than genuine learning. We want our children to be motivated by their innate curiosity and passion for knowledge, not just the desire for a gold star or an A+ on their report card.
Our job as parents is not just to prepare our kids for the world but to help them thrive in it. That means equipping them with the tools they need to be successful learners, no matter where they find themselves. While we may not be fans of external rewards, they are a part of our world. Our kids need the awareness and skills to navigate that system when necessary.2
The Three C’s
We all crave certain things—deep connections with others, the opportunity to learn and grow, to feel a sense of wonder, to enjoy what we're doing, and to contribute positively to the world. That's just being human, right? If your kids are feeling off track right now, it might be because something's gone awry in the choice, connection, or competence departments.3
Like Richard in our opening story, Jenny was doing her schoolwork because she was afraid of getting a bad grade. She's ticking the boxes, doing what she must, but she's not happy about it. She's just doing enough to get by. That's because she needs more choice. She's not calling the shots. The value and meaningfulness come from someone else, not her (hello, lack of connection). And if the work's too hard or too easy for her skill level, she compromises competence.
Bold Action
Have a chat with your child. Where are the carrots and sticks? What activities are they enjoying for their own sake?
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Pink, D. H. (2009). Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us. Riverhead Books.
Understanding these motivators helps us see how focusing on internal pride, for example, can inspire our children more than external achievements. When kids take pride in their work, they shift from seeking validation to finding satisfaction in their efforts. This encourages them to value the quality and impact of what they do, leading to deeper fulfillment and self-respect. Measuring success through pride teaches kids to appreciate their growth rather than comparing themselves to others, fostering a drive for excellence, creativity, and genuine engagement in learning and other activities.
Brain Byte: The idea of choice, connection, and competence comes from Self-Determination Theory. This theory says that we all have three basic needs that drive us:
The need to feel in control (autonomy).
The need to feel connected to others (relatedness).
The need to feel capable (competence).
When we meet these needs, we're more likely to be intrinsically motivated because what we're doing feels right.
Deci, E.L., & Ryan, R.M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Plenum Press.
“The value belongs to the one who assigns the work.” Love this! So it makes sense that letting kids choose helps them with internal motivation, but how does this apply if they have to do something they don’t want to do - like chores?
Beautifully crafted and clear analysis, Laura. You have such a gift for dissecting complex subjects into manageable bits. And these fundamental underpinnings of learning are of vital importance.
During my years shepherding special needs kids aged 3-22 years through public and private school systems, perhaps the most common sticking points in children not progressing commensurate with their capacity to learn, was a lack of motivation. Teachers, administrators, parents and even school psychologists came to a dead halt when Motivation waned. It was as though it was this mysterious block that could not be unraveled or overcome.
I love the way you focused on the underpinnings of the 3 C’s. I hope you will keep on teaching all of us. We need to start with early childhood play choices and activities that connect children in their explorations of the workings of the world around them. Then continue these motivating practices that give children more autonomy over their discovery process throughout their school years.
Can’t wait to see what you have to share next!